the revolutions begins here

So I've not been as productive here as I'd hoped. I get this feeling every time I think about this place lately. It's actually a feeling I get when I think about the internet in general. And social media. It's the same feeling I get when a spider gets too close to my leg or lands on my head. I call it the wiggs and I think I might finally know why they happen.

Blogs suck. In general, this is a true statement. They're fake and awful which can account for a good portion of what gives me the wiggs about them. But there must be a different way to think about blogs that's not all of those things. There has to be something out there that doesn't stink of paper mache and sickly sweet organic baby food bananas - no matter how yummy they are. Where are the blogs without strategically placed ads and cute monthly giveaways?

The only alternatives seem to be blogs that strike me as mean for the sake of being mean or just plain dark and angry. Nihilism and cynicism have their place in the world though I'm the type that prefers to wade in certain depths where there's also room for hope and levity. I don't want to make fun of anyone personally or hurt anyone due to some misplaced rage-venting. So balance is key I guess.

Basically, I just want to write a blog I would want to read. But defining what a blog like that is has been really challenging. Maybe because I haven't seen that blog anywhere yet. I mean, I'm sure there are some out there but they're not really getting the exposure they deserve. I think sweet country girls with a penchant for DIY and the Lord have the market on that these days. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that but there are tons of different kinds of people out there which that specific demographic doesn't at all represent.

So I'm considering getting all punk rock on this blog stuff. Well... if I can find the gumption. Ugh... I said gumption. See there I go getting all cowardly and channeling Melissa Mainstream (see Mary Sue but with a blog) with the brand name "vintage" dress and just a splash of pink in her hair telling you how to bake the perfect chocolate chip cookie with her brightly lit pics and totally on trend type face. No offense Melissa. That's just not my thing.

So what is my thing? It's somewhere way left of center between my made up Melissa and Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. No wait. Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. Yes. That's it. Now what kind of blog does that kind of weirdo write? Ick. The word blog actually makes me cringe a little. This is beginning to feel impossible.

Maybe I just need to do me. Authentic me. Because that's all I can do. Comfort in authenticity is the only thing that doesn't make me want to smash my keyboard to bits every time I sit down to think about what to write. What can I say to get people to notice me, to like me, to read my shit? Blah. That's the worst. It's just so manipulative. I don't want to read something that makes me feel like it wants something out of me. I want to read something real. And I want to write something real.

Maybe I'm just a weird, flawed, life-is-messy kind of woman who believes in some stuff. Hard. Who has passion for this art-full life and the people in it. And maybe I'm ready to stop hiding my heart and apologizing for who I am. No, for who I want to be. Yes. Awesome. Now to keep up this level of courage and write something weird, flawed, and life-is-messy more often. Time for Melissa to sit back and relax her french tips. I got this.

Update: Or maybe I don't got this since I just posted this on my Facebook page then quickly deleted it. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe I'm still too concerned about what other people think. I mean, my real name is all over this thing, ya know. What if I piss someone off? Though it's been said pissing folks off tends to mean you're doing something in the world. So do I want to stay quiet or go Ramones and play louder and faster? Or maybe I need to pump up the volume and let my inner Christian Slater narrate my life a little more loudly. Shrug. Courage, Willow.

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